My First Day of Sobriety. April 2001
He was a Starbaby who fell to earth, to New York City in particular, for a day or two. We beheld him, he who inspires and creates worlds on paper. He had a story to share with us. Those who too perhaps originated in the heavens, brave and honest. His words, as his drawings impacted us. In ways we may never know, as would a falling star, supernova, don't stop.
- Dorene Elizabeth Red Cloud
March 2 2001 - Somewhere in the White Earth Indian Reservation, I was awakened by a highway patrol officer, who found me passed out in the ditch partially covered with snow and dirt. As he was helping me to my feet, I could tell it was in the early morning, because of the fading stars and the sun was slowly rising. The highway patrol officer asked me how I ended up out here. I told him, "I don't know" and I still don't know to this day. The last thing I remembered, I was drinking at the Northside Bar in Detroit Lakes,Minnesota. I then blacked out and I awoke in the ditch. As the officer was escorting me to the back seat of his squad car, he looked at me and said, "you're a mess, you need treatment". I became ignorant of his statement and advice. I thought to myself, "never mind your own fuckin business"! But deep down inside I knew I needed help. My mind was just too clouded to see the other side. I remember nodding in and out while the officer was preaching to me about recovery. He went on and on and I just felt like saying,"why don't you just shut the fuck up"! I just wanted to get to Detroit Lakes. I really didn't want to hear his "bull shit". Now that I think about it, he was just trying to help me. I was so stubborn and ungrateful at the time. As we approached Detroit Lakes, he asked me were I lived and I told him that house, (which wasn't my place of residence).I just wanted out of his car. Before he let me go, he said, "remember what I said, 'recovery is the only way". I totally ignored him and walked away. As I walked to this so called house of mine, I went around the back until the officer drove away. I then proceeded to find my next drink. I walked all over town and was going into bars trying to find a free drink from someone I knew. I was kicked out of one bar and I knew no one at another. So I staggered to a near by park and found a sand box and I simply fell in. I became very sick and I started to throw up. I felt my life wasn't worth living and I wanted to die right there. I then crawled into the bushes and slept there all day.
I woke up that night in the bushes and decided to go to my grandmother's house. As I was walking, some girls that I knew walked by me and said "Gross Star!" and they started to laugh at me. I always wondered why I never had a girlfriend. Women didn't want anything to do with me because of the way I looked and my addiction. I arrived at my grandmother's house and I knocked on her door. She opened it and took one look at me and said,"where have you been"! I hesitated to tell her where I came from. Before I could say another word, she gave me the "evil eye" and told me to jump in the shower and to put some clean clothes on. Of all the times I couldn't fend for myself during my drunkenness, my grandmother was always there for me. (I now know that she had unconditional love for me, no matter what I did, she was there for me.) As I jumped out of the shower, I saw that the bath tub was filthy. I then looked in the mirror at myself and I quickly looked away because I didn't like the reflection I was seeing. I felt very ugly. It felt great to be clean and to be fed. I started to make my bed on the couch, my grandmother said,"you better have your act together Star! You'll be going to New York City soon". I completely forgot about the Smithsonian Fellowship Award from the National Museum of the American Indian that I received in early 2000. I was to start my fellowship April 2001. The fellowship entailed visiting the collections and to complete a research during my visits. What I didn't know was this trip was about to change my life.
April was approaching and I packed up my bags and caught the Greyhound to Minneapolis. When I arrived, I went to my art dealers house, Todd Bockley. Todd and my father, Frank Big Bear, actually helped me get into the art scene back in 1998. I always wanted to be an artist since I was a small boy but I lost interest when I started to use mind altering drugs and alcohol at the age of 14 years old. I haven't created my art ever since until the age of twenty five. For three years, Todd and my father put up with my alcoholism. But they still stuck with me. I was quite a talented artist during my brief times being sober. Todd financially took care of me with my prismacolor pencil drawings. He helped me, I helped him. We have been working together ever since. He is also my good friend. My father called me at Todd's to wish me luck and to preach to me about my drinking problem. "Don't mess this up star!" My father just kept talking and talking,nothing but negative preaching. I just wanted him to "shut the fuck up and leave me alone"! Of course, I didn't say that to him. I just didn't listen to him. My trip to New York City was to just get away from my problems. But I later realized through recovery I brought the problem with me.
April 2001 - I was very excited about the National Museum of the American Indian Fellowship that I was awarded. I arrived in NYC late in the afternoon intoxicated due to my drinking during my wait at the Minneapolis International Airport. I caught a cab to the Club Quarters Hotel in the Financial District of Lower Manhattan. During my ride there, I was fascinated with the "Big Apple". All walks of life, different venues, restaurants and tons of liquor stores. I was filled with wonder and astonishment with all the intricate buildings they had there. I couldn't understand the cab driver very well. Her English was all broken up. I finally arrived at the Hotel. The cab ride was 30 dollars. The plan was to meet two other artists there the next day. They were Nadema Agard and Marianne Nicolson. I was curious about them. I didn't even take the time to study who these artists were. I was too busy drinking my life away. I finally settled into my room. But I soon became restless sitting in my room that night so I decided to venture out into the night and have a few drinks with the little money I had. At first, I was scared to go out into the city but I really wanted a drink to calm my nerves. When I got outside into the night, I notice there weren't hardly any people around. I was right in the middle of the Financial District. I found a bar right in front of the World Trade Centers. I proceeded to walk in and ordered a beer with a rum shot and sat in front of a window looking at these two tall buildings. I was amazed! After my drinks. I wanted to see the World Trade Centers close up so I ordered another beer and left the bar. The bartender ran out after me and said "You can't leave the premises with that beer". I told him to "Fuck Off"! He just went quietly back into the bar. I was very disrespectful towards people at the time. I didn't even have respect for myself. So I continued to walk towards the two towers with wonder and disbelief.
I soon went to my hotel room and went to bed. I was awakened with an early morning phone call. It was Nadema Agard. She was there to assist Marianne Nicolson and I with our NMAI fellowship and to show us around the city. She said, "Good Morning Star time to get up. I'll be waiting for you downstairs". OK, I said. I was a little hung over and very tired. When I stepped out of the elevator. There she was waiting for me. Nadema Agard, such a beautiful woman. The weird thing was I felt like I knew her before, from someplace or another. I just couldn't grasp it. I felt very safe and comfortable with her. As we spoke, Marianne Nicolson walked off the elevator. She was also a beautiful woman. She was from Victoria, British Columbia, Canada.
We all had a pleasant first conversation. I was very intrigued with both Nadema and Marianne's accents. We stopped at a coffee shop and they bought coffee to go. I really never cared for coffee so I didn't buy any. All I wanted was something with alcohol in it. How pathetic was I! As we walked together to the NMAI Museum, I was still astounded at our surroundings here in the Financial District of Lower Manhattan. These buildings were so close together they seemed to suck out the sunlight everywhere. I started to isolate myself from them at that time. I didn't want them to get to know the real me. I was ashamed of myself and my life. I wasn't completely developed mentally due to my years of drug and alcohol abuse. I felt I was immature and not very bright. Deep down inside, I was this scared little boy. Nadema introduced us to the director of the NMAI. After our brief introduction, we were asked to write an artist statement. I hesitated at first due to my lack of education. I was very ashamed. I quickly made up an excuse for not writing it. I told them my artist statement was back at the Hotel. Marianne wrote hers very easily. I admired her intelligence and as an artist after that. Marianne and I left NMAI to become tourists. The city was so big, we didn't know which way to go, so we took the subway. I was comfortable being with Marianne. She was quite an intelligent woman. I really didn't want to tell her anything about me. I wanted to impress her as an artist and to make a friend. But, being a chronic alcoholic, immature and having a lack of an education caused me to close my doors to her so she wouldn't get to know the real me. She probably already knew. Unfortunately, I don't really know anything about what we did together or where we went. I was so focused on my drinking. I really didn't want to do anything with Nadema and Marianne and I do regret that. I couldn't focus or communicate with them or people in general. Being under the influence would help me because alcohol became my balance and my reality. I couldn't function without it. I really was a chronic mess.
During my fellowship, on the fourth day or so, I ventured out into the night looking to get wasted. I took a cab to Time Square and I started to hop from one bar to another. Talking to a variety of people. I seemed to be attracted to the dysfunctional people. I was starting to become very intoxicated. Now my night was becoming a foggy blur. I vaguely remember being in some strip bar talking with women. Buying them drinks, lap dances and flirting. When I left the bar, I was in Queens! I had no idea how I got there. So I made my way back to Time Square in a cab. I was walking around blacking in and out looking at the bright lights. Everything started to spin and I got sick. This homeless black guy helped me off the street and waved for a cab for me. I thanked him and gave him some money. When I got back to my hotel, I ordered a bottle of rum and food. It was early in the morning. Black outs were common for me. During my binges, sometimes I would wake up out of it and found myself crying or breaking things. I was a very sick young man. Later that day the NYPD was pounding on my door. I hesitated to answer the door because I didn't do anything. They soon came in. It turns out I was throwing stuff out of my window and swearing at people below. I still don't remember that incident to this day. The police were wearing civilian clothes with their badges hung around their necks. Two white men and a black woman. I was crying when they came in. My room was trashed. My slides of my art were scattered on my bed. They started to look at my slides and was asking me what was going on? I told them I was sorry and that I was drunk. I told them I was from Minneapolis and I received a fellowship award through Smithsonian NMAI for my artwork. All three were looking at my art. They were impressed but disappointed I was throwing my life away with alcohol. The black woman said I have a gift and I'm very talented. I shouldn't throw my life away like this. She was very positive and nice to me but I could also see the disappointment in her. She turned to the other officers and asked them if they should take me to jail? They both nodded "No". They also encouraged me as they were looking at my slides. They wanted me to check into a treatment facility when I got back. They made me promise them. Then the black woman tucked me into bed and said "it's time for you to change".
I awoke the next day hung over. I started to realize what had happened. I started to worry. So I called the front desk of the hotel I was staying at. I apologized and begged them not to tell anyone or NMAI. I soon found out later someone did report the incident. Nadema Agard had me come to her office that morning at NMAI. I was then contacted by Keevin Lewis who worked at NMAI in Maryland. He had told me a Fellow shouldn't act like that and he had also informed me that my fellowship has been terminated. I was devastated. NMAI gave me a choice to stay for a week as it was already paid for or go home that day. I stayed and continued to drink for a whole week wandering aimlessly throughout the city. I left the NMAI crying. I felt like I was hopeless and lost. During that week I had lunch with Marianne. We discussed how alcoholism affects our families and friends. I was then more aware of my own alcoholism after talking with Marianne. The next day, I called a Treatment Facility in Fargo, North Dakota for help. It didn't work out at the time because I was supposed to get an evaluation first, but I couldn't do that now, so I did that when I got back to Minneapolis.
I experienced my first day of sobriety while I was still in New York City during my last few days. Reality was starting to sink in of what I did wrong in my life. I then walked throughout the city thinking of this devastation. I came upon the Brooklyn Bridge that day. I happened to have a camera with me where I had a passerby take a picture of me and I only smiled for the picture, but deep down inside I was hurting.
When I returned to Minneapolis, I was evaluated and sent to Fargo, North Dakota to a Treatment Center. I am proud to say that I have been sober for seven years now!
At the time, I thought this was the worst thing that could of happened in my life, but it was actually the best thing that has ever happened to me...... It changed my life.
